Jun 5, 2011

Un-Start

I've been reading this non fiction book about Area 51 and the declassified truth behind their aviation programs.  One of the most dangerous thing to happen when you are flying a SR 21 Blackbird at mach 3 is one of the engines turning off. It used to happen all the time.  You'd get an un-start in one engine, the whole plane would fly out of control, one engine trying to work at mach 3, spinning the whole thing in tight catastrophic circles, the pilot thrown around in the cockpit almost knocked unconscious trying hard to get the second engine started back up as the whole plane falls uncontrollably 90,000 feet.  This was more dangerous than enemy fire because it was way more likely to happen.  They eventually fixed it by having an automatic cut off in both engines if one turned off so you wouldn't just start spinning uncontrollably.  So instead now you'd have to try to restart two engines in a plane that isn't made for gliding.  And if all else fails, you bail out and let the most expensive plane in the world crash.

Two weeks ago my cat Bean died.  She died of old age but still it was a very hard day for me.  I know I should draw a picture of her or something but that would be more emotionally devastating than most things I could do to myself.  Sometimes drawing things you care about is really hard.  So I just put up some art I was working on.

I didn't cry until I got back home empty handed, looked at my cat Oliver, maybe the smartest cat ever, and realized there was no way I could explain to him that she is gone and he will sooner or later figure it out and I'll have just as many non answers.  That made me cry.

I was standing in my now very quiet living room completely powerless, sobbing and holding myself, thinking about what my options were.  This wasn't healthy, but I had no options.  I couldn't call anyone to hug.  Let alone kiss me and make me feel better.  I literally knew no person who could even show me the slightest bit of physical intimacy and affection.  Or if you want to look at it the other way, I didn't know anyone who I'd want to console me(there are people, I just don't have any desire to let them see my emotions).

I looked over at the computer and that was where I had a way out of this.  I found a place I liked, decided I'd travel there and get the apartment as soon as I possibly could.  

I called my ex who used to be Bean's owner.  She made me feel much better.  Bean was afraid of everything and trusted no one.  But I am waaaay too loving to the things I love so I eventually made her every affectionate towards me(and for the most part I was the only thing Bean liked).  My ex reminded me of that and I felt better.  I had all those good times.

Eventually I smoked a lot of pot and felt a bit better.  Distracted at least.  Then I had a shot of some tequila and some wine and settled down a little.  I basically had to distract myself as much as possible.  I read the shit out of that non-fiction Area 51 book(it is really great) and wrote some of my science fiction superhero comic(the real world was something I couldn't face that day, so making up super elaborate tales of people who can do impossible things made me feel a little better).  And a friend came over to keep me company(I'm not going to cry on the shoulder of a dude, what kind of pussy do you take me for).

I just want to start my new life.  I screwed up the old one. It's losing acceleration, elevation, hope, and everything else. Time to bail out and let the plane crash.  Drift down to the earth to some place new. Some place nice.

~ Adrian

P.S.: I'll post again very soon.  I just couldn't not mention this since that is where I am at on at on a lot of levels.  Next post I'll talk about my trip to LA this week to look at that apartment.  It should be a lot less depressing since I feel better now.

4 comments:

Adrian said...

I should probably mention my other cat, Oliver is fine. He is the gray haired fox of my homestead. He's about 8 so he's still young. He's a snowcat. That's that cat I'm always acting with. I live with him. We totally hang out.

SF said...

Hope the apartment works out for you! It always feels good to make a fresh start.

I was at my nephews graduation at SV last night....it was a trip. Mr. McElroy is now the school principal (maybe you knew this already if your sister attended SV??). I remember when he was just our science teacher. Anyway, I thought of your blog for a moment as I passed a hall where we were in McConnell's class together. I haven't really been back since our class graduated.

I hope you don't really think that you screwed up your old life, Sir. You took on all that responsibility of watching over your sister at such a young age. You're insanely talented. You seem to really hold on to and cherish the relationship you had with your ex and you lucked out with that because you guys are able to maintain a genuine friendship after all you went through....and you were able to do this without using a social network as an excuse to keep in touch which is a rarity these days. You have tons going for you...you'll do great in So Cal when you make it out there.

Adrian said...

I was in Danville and San Ramon a lot yesterday, we could have almost run into each other.

Thank you, that made me feel better. Unfortunately this week also sucked(in new ways) but it had a strange side effect. It made me insanely confidant. Having to deal with authority figures that I could think circles around made me have to take charge and brought back a lot of my old will power. I honestly think this is the most confidant I have ever been in my life. And all because of my stupid landlord. So as miserable as it all is I feel stronger than ever. Weird catch 22 there.

I changed so quickly that I saw a friend I see weekly and she stopped me and said I looked different. The whole time I'm thinking I feel completely different and I knew my face had gotten a little more stern looking(from being pissed a lot and seething from the testosterone of it all).



As for Mr McElroy, I met him twice I think when my sister was going to SR high. I recently came to the conclusion I was a total bastard of a kid(in a really nice way). For some reason it never occurred to me how difficult I must have been. No one could tell me to do shit and I was the ultimate class clown.

Mr. McElroy was always a great science teacher and we shared one very distinctive event together. In 1989 I had an after school meeting because I was doing something wrong. It may have even been with another teacher, but it was in the science room and Mr. McElroy was either the teacher in the meeting with me or in the adjacent classroom.

The 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake struck during that meeting. The biggest earthquake I ever been in(I was also in Hurricane Andrew but thats a different disaster story). I remember he was either in the room or came into the room during the earthquake and we got under the desks(by then it was over, it lasted less than 15 seconds).

I mentioned this to Mr. McElroy when we met to talk about my sister(this was about two or three years ago, and she is not even a quarter of the trouble I was). He kind of remembered and I filled out the rest. It was a funny conversation.

Still insanely curious who you are. I think I didn't have a good time in that part of my life so I focused on the non school aspects, and when I focus on something it is to the exclusion of all else, hence my grades. Many of my memories of that time are locked away. I have more stories about what a willful little bastard I was that recently came back into my head. I think I was very lonely at that time and felt neglected(probably why I am an entertainer) so I excised all those people out of my head, thinking they had no use for me, so why think of them. I just assumed that no matter what crazy shit I pulled it didn't matter since no one would remember me, so I didn't really think of it either. Echoes of my present situation.

Adrian said...

I was talking with my sister and she corrected me that Mcelroy was at Stone Valley not San Ramon.

Totally got my timeline confused. I guess that happened longer ago. Still there was that almost two decade gap. And he did remember me(my sister even told me that before we met for the first time in years). I must have been a real handful.