Two weeks ago my cat Bean died. She died of old age but still it was a very hard day for me. I know I should draw a picture of her or something but that would be more emotionally devastating than most things I could do to myself. Sometimes drawing things you care about is really hard. So I just put up some art I was working on.
I didn't cry until I got back home empty handed, looked at my cat Oliver, maybe the smartest cat ever, and realized there was no way I could explain to him that she is gone and he will sooner or later figure it out and I'll have just as many non answers. That made me cry.
I was standing in my now very quiet living room completely powerless, sobbing and holding myself, thinking about what my options were. This wasn't healthy, but I had no options. I couldn't call anyone to hug. Let alone kiss me and make me feel better. I literally knew no person who could even show me the slightest bit of physical intimacy and affection. Or if you want to look at it the other way, I didn't know anyone who I'd want to console me(there are people, I just don't have any desire to let them see my emotions).
I looked over at the computer and that was where I had a way out of this. I found a place I liked, decided I'd travel there and get the apartment as soon as I possibly could.
I called my ex who used to be Bean's owner. She made me feel much better. Bean was afraid of everything and trusted no one. But I am waaaay too loving to the things I love so I eventually made her every affectionate towards me(and for the most part I was the only thing Bean liked). My ex reminded me of that and I felt better. I had all those good times.
Eventually I smoked a lot of pot and felt a bit better. Distracted at least. Then I had a shot of some tequila and some wine and settled down a little. I basically had to distract myself as much as possible. I read the shit out of that non-fiction Area 51 book(it is really great) and wrote some of my science fiction superhero comic(the real world was something I couldn't face that day, so making up super elaborate tales of people who can do impossible things made me feel a little better). And a friend came over to keep me company(I'm not going to cry on the shoulder of a dude, what kind of pussy do you take me for).
I just want to start my new life. I screwed up the old one. It's losing acceleration, elevation, hope, and everything else. Time to bail out and let the plane crash. Drift down to the earth to some place new. Some place nice.
P.S.: I'll post again very soon. I just couldn't not mention this since that is where I am at on at on a lot of levels. Next post I'll talk about my trip to LA this week to look at that apartment. It should be a lot less depressing since I feel better now.