Nov 28, 2010

Enter The Void

4 AM October 31st, Adrian In Ascension

Halloween part one, one and a half, and two are at these links.

So everything felt good.  Everything was good.  Good and tingly.  I wouldn't say it was the best feeling, but it was a good feeling.  Good all over for a long time.  It was dark and the strobe lights were doing whatever with the lights and shit.  And like I said last time I felt like a fucking slut.  But a classy fucking slut. You know, with the bracelets and pearl earrings and shit.  But a slut nevertheless.

And not only like a man-slut, but like a really manly man slut.  I swear to god my biggest complaint was that my shoulders couldn't get farther apart.  I was having the weirdest body issue ever.

And I'm dancing with myself.  And my dancing isn't like dancing as much as its me swaying suggestively and nodding my head.  So it's not very impressive, but with the drug I was really feeling it and since I no longer gave a shit about anyone I figured no woman in here is intimidating.  I just eye-fucked my fucking dream of a woman half to death in the next room.  If that didn't intimidate me nothing could.

But like I said I smoked.  I was chilled out.  I figured I made more of that then was actually there and there was plenty of girls in the world.  The girl of my dreams again being shunted out of the running immediately was apparently how the rest of my existence was going to go so fuck it.  Already the night was going great for me so I was going to let this go(I say go a lot apparently).  I'm not falling for someone that easy again.  So I put it out of my mind.  Plus she was too much my type, that is kind of sick.  I'm not looking for the same thing.  She would always be a let down since she wasn't who I fell for originally.

I danced some more.  I was just concentrating on the music and moving to it and feeling high and occasionally looking at hot half naked girls.  There was a lot of that.  At one point it was so hot I took off my jacket.  I was sweaty but not in that gross way.  Somehow I was only sweaty in a comfortable way.  I took it off for a while but just had to put it back on.  It felt too good inside.  So I put it half on.  I realized with a wife beater and a half on leather jacket I probably looked gay but fuck it, I'm not homophobic so I don't care, and I'm in a fucking rave.

If I saw something I liked I was merciless.  And it worked.  It worked way better than I would have thought.  In fact it worked EVERY time(still does, for those thinking this was just a freak Halloween occurrence).  And that started to disturb me.  Like how can every girl be faking me out.  And that culminated in one girl.

So I'm dancing there with myself kind of slowly while smoking and drinking with a leather jacket only half on.  Just really not giving a shit.  And I look at this hot curvy girl across the floor from me.  She catches me and looks over at me and then she brought her hand up, put it into a fist and opened her mouth to receive my imaginary dick.

Now this was one of those man moments.  One of those dividing lines.  To be perfectly honest with you, something like 90% of guys would get the blowjob no questions asked.  And I am a man after all, so I am inherently that dumb.  Doesn't like everyone do shit like this all the time and just not tell anyone?   Buuuuut....sometimes I would say I'm too smart for my own good.  I thought about disease, but everything is dangerous.  I thought about what would happen if some how this was a man but I found out after(eww).  And this was the moment I knew I wasn't desperate.  I said to myself, well I'm not that much of a slut.  You gotta earn my shit.  But like I said before, yeah it's all well and nice I turned down a blowjob from some dirty stranger, but now I haven't had a blow job in months.  So it may be smart, but it feels really stupid.  I don't know how many blowjobs I will turn down in a lifetime but I imagine the number to be low.  So chances are this may be the last blow job I ever turn down.  Because I am going to be regretting this decision until I get one.  It was just what I fuckin' needed too.  God I'm stupid.  So fuckin' easy.  Just put it in her mouth, let her do her thing, cum, say thanks, and leave.  Pretty fucking simple.  Why do I have to complicate this shit?  And still I didn't get that goddamned blowjob.  Kind of hate myself right now for that.  But at least it was an ego boost.  And lets not bullshit anyone.  If the Pocahontas girl was offering I would have had my pants off before I even made it into the dark room.  So I'm not exactly an angel.  I just have taste.

Yeah, it was also the moment I realized I was fully confident again.  It's totally why I was getting these reactions today, plus I was half in costume so even though I basically looked exactly the same as any normal day minus the fangs(but I had to wear them on different teeth because my actual canine teeth are pretty long and vampirey to begin with so the fake teeth could fit on them) I felt like a different person just a little.

At least I thought I felt like a different person at first but then I realized I was acting exactly the same way I do when I am at home alone.  There was just no self consciousness to it.  I could do whatever or be whatever because I was at home(at least within my self).

I went to hang out with the others and after a while they were boring me so I went back in to dance, I didn't want to think about the girl and missed opportunities so I had to get back out and meet some more people.  The place was crawling with beautiful women after all.  I can't be going into tunnel vision like that.  I do remember walking into the room where my friends were, trying to repress a smile from how happy I was at all the attention.  And my friend Ryan started laughing which made me start laughing.  And then he asked what.  I said, "I just Han Solo'd the fuck out of that room!"

5 AM, October 31st, Gemini

I went one last time into the same big room because I liked that music more. I saw my girl again.   Pocahontas.  And she was dancing alone.  Boyfriend no where to be seen.  But something was just off.  I wasn't going to bother her so I danced to myself and with my friends for a bit, kind of ignoring her and flirting with other girls.  I started to develop a system(we were there for hours, remember).  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I was going to be completely physical.  I was not going to give anyone anything unless they gave back(I mean attention).  And this night was proving a good night for that.  So I'd be really forward, not say anything and then totally play hard to get(smiling to myself at how frustrating it would get, because then they'd have to get my attention again.  I was really relishing this.).

I saw my girl pretty close by. The lights were flickering around us.  We were maybe thirty feet from each other but it was one of those things where we had a clear view. I said fuck it, if she is there and I am here I am going to give her 100% of my sexuality right now.  I'm going to get her so wet it will drive her crazy.  So I locked eyes with her and she with me and she started moving really sultry like and I was just appreciating the whole thing(her body looked like the softest little thing ever...oh man..).  The lights got brighter and stopped flickering as the music hit some peak. The lights flashed across the room brightly.  The floor lit up for a second and a half.  Her costume was wrong.  In fact it was Cleopatra.  And her nose was a little different.  This wasn't her.  This was another girl entirely.  Wait, what?

Continued next post.


PS: I included the Enter The Void opening credits because thats kind of what I felt like.  Also that was my favorite movie this year.  And no, don't watch it till you talk to me first. It's really harsh.  Watching any Gaspar Noe movie sight unseen is movie watching suicide.

PPS: There will Be Thought Balloon Man pages in the next post.  I split this post into two so I saved that for last.  Also that painting was from my art show.  Very Tron influenced to be honest.  It was the under painting to a more comprehensive piece but I liked it just the way it was so I left it like this.

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