Edit: this is a photo after I did all the perspective I was just bullshitting in the older scan. And it's about 25% inked(I still thought it might be a failure, but since I'm writing this after having finished it I'm happy with it). I'll put up the finished one very soon.
I'm in that really really frustrating two weeks finishing my comic and making corrections(or perfecting). I want to show it so bad but it's not done yet.
Its a sort if fear of embarrassment, fear of failure(even though after about a week it can be published no matter what), fear of what happens next, because on some level, this is all I got to give(in the epic science fiction arena, and honestly I still have two or three unrelated science fiction epics knocking around to do(although not multiple volumes like this one), not to mention my fantasy epic which is also huge, but is more about history and time.
I'm going to be emailing to some of all time my idols I have met and have not met for advice first, then if they like it a review or something. It's intimidating but art he same time like I said if I see a separation between them and me then I will never be one of them or their equal.
Confidence of Line
Part of what both speeds me up and slows me down is the confidence/certainty or where to put the line. I noticed, and always predicted, part of the solution is the simple amount you draw. The more you do it the more you know where everything goes and the faster it gets. I'm refining my style and the lines are just getting put down easier. I was saying my fear of things was going way. All the horribleness in my life made fear a little more ridiculous. And I notice I don't really fear anything anymore(except women...because I'm a fool).
In order to make these last few edits, thes last few fix ups, I have to be absolutely certain where everything goes and put those lines down with that passion and direct action. Art can be like that. Just abandonment of everything but love of the line or color or whatever you like.
I finally did that short term memory for class. I was really thinking I couldn't pull it off but the class was laughing pretty much the whole time so I think I did it right. Basically I pretended I was at home trying to read and listen to music. I'd turn on the music, groove to it, sit down to read, forget it I put it on, get frustrated at all the noise and get up and turn it off. Then I'd sit down again try to read, get frustrated that there was no music and got up to turn it on again, happy to hear it. The I did it again. Then my partner came to the door, so I went to turn it off, but did that and forgot he knocked so went back to sit down. Then when he knocked again I answered happily, then checked my book that said who everybody was because I forgot, and would close it furious after what I pretended to read in there. To me, the fun of it was getting really emotional about one thing, then blanking out, returning to calm, and then suddenly remembering and getting mad or whatever again. It was really fun.
Now we're doing scenes and I get to play Oscar from the Odd Couple. So I'm really excited about that.
I'm probably moving only a few miles away somewhere in Hollywood(where I already live), but I wanted a bigger place and could only do it with a roommate, so when a friend asked I jumped at it. I went so far into anarchy with my life I could just a little order. Plus my roomie is probably the most vivacious woman I have ever met. I need that energy in my life. I've been looking for that. She's been a model in a few of my drawings so she's been my temporary muse at times(not full muse, you crazy, that's way too passionate for friends). So I look forward to having that extra energy and ambition around me to help propel me intellectually and professionally. Plus, my friends here are all people I want to help in anyway I can, and they help me, so we have coinciding goals in life.
Because of everything I have not even thought of romantic stuff. I've been busy and grieving(from what I mentioned last post). It's all way easier for me here, but I'm still scarred from my old life because those people really didn't like me. I'm a little agoraphobic because of that. Even when people like my acting or art the first thing I think is they are just trying to be nice. I don't believe it. I don't enjoy it all the way. People told me a million things that amounted to nothing in my past, so good things are always looked at with a suspicious eye by me.
Despite all that I still use that as my main means of connection with people. My main way of communicating who I am. I guess I'm a little different in real life. I am practically monkish most of the time. Although I am still consistently forward towards almost every French girl(there are few exceptions, mainly those few I am friends with). Its ridiculous because even in my head I'm thinking what a cliche I am to myself. But whatever I can't help myself. There are all kinds of other beautiful women all around. And the rest of this place is rife with beauty so, I'm not hurting. I'm just still looking for someone my speed with that joy d vivre(I never said I could write french). I'm fucked up that way. But it's a glorious way to be fucked up.
This just happened
I went to CVS to go buy some cleaning supplies and kitty litter. It's about four blocks diagonally from me. I walked inside, saw an indie actor I liked in some movies a few years back. I forgot his name. I went down one aisle and he went down the same and then I started feeling all uncomfortable because I know who he is and I'm trying to ignore him. So I went to another aisle. And the. He went down the same. I tried to remain focused on buying shit and finally got in line, thinking all this. Then Jason Segal walked in(he wrote and acted in my favorite romantic comedy in many years, Forgetting Sarah Marshall). So there is instant irony for you. Happened ten minutes ago.
Since I have a bunch of short stories from about 11 of my different longer stories, I've been considering putting them together as an anthology, partially because I want to copyright everything soon, and publishing does that, and partially because I have the craziest collection of unrelated to weirdly related stories. When I counted them all and laid out what I had to tell, I had everything from autobiographical to fantasy to history to horror. Some of these concepts are still relatively original and I do t want to miss the chance to put those out there. I just need to figure out if I will have enough time to do this on the side(because my current comic comes first).
I'm trying to post more since I have things to advertise in the very near future. I included sketches I made and concept drawings and throw away panels. I'm finishing it all this week so I'm a nervous wreck of energy and exhaustion. But soon that may change to happiness. Or at least closure. The first one is the third draft covering made this week. The lettering fits it(I know it doesn't look like that but the name goes down the sides and bottom and around the head of one character at the top). I also included the second draft cover because I liked how the girl looked before I would have inked her hair(her hair is dark brown and since I moved on to a third version I never inked it). One of these is a character design. There's some sketches from class. Another is a painting I am still working on. It is in oil on an acrylic background. That was inspired by someone. I just do better work when I'm inspired in that way. But my lack of desperation is so ridiculous I need to stop preventing myself. Because art like that comes out of me.
I'm doing better and completing some life long dreams here. This is just that frustrating few weeks before I can even show this stuff really exists and it drives me nuts.
By the way, I don't know any girls named Amber. Thought I should clear that up because it sounds like I'm in love with some girl named Amber, but realisitcally, have you ever met an unattractive Amber. Didn't think so. Maybe I shouldn't have cleared that up after all.
P.S.: these two dudes are just the cutest, and behind me is a bunch of pages from my comic.